The Summer of '13
by amazingphangirlisnotonfire
Summary: Two British Youtubers, Daniel Howell and Phillip Lester are best friends and roomates living in London. During the heatwave on July of 2013, will old flames burn once again, or will it remain in their bitter past?


July 2013 was a horrendous month for anyone living in Great Britain, especially in the bustling city of London. The humid air caused everything to stick together like the clingy couples on TV. One citizen in particular was simply not having it. Daniel Howell sat on the leather couch in the living room on his Macbook, Googling different ways to stay cool in the obliterating ninety five degree Fahrenheit heat. Leafing through pointless websites that seemed to only llink extreme heat to paranoia, Dan decided to make a video focused on his experience with the horror that is summertime. He grabbed the Canon 60d, and tripod he bought before holiday last year, and headed off into his bedroom, already breaking a sweat.

"Hi guys, so we are having a heatwave here in England at the moment. and it is too hot to function. now before I begin, i would just wanna say, I don't CARE what it's like where you are, ok? Whenever I complain about the weather I get people saying: 'You think it's cold? It's minus 312 in Norway and my eyeballs are frozen.', 'You think it's hot? It's 912,000 degrees in Death Valley and I'm literally on fire right now..'"

He goes on to explain how mundane England is, with his typical humorous twist, sure to make every teenager watching nod, laugh, and agree.

"...And I'm constantly moist, and not in a sexy way..."

As Dan spoke into the camera, ranting about products he bought to help relieve the moisture but instead worked better as noisemakers and ways he had come up with to help himself, Phil came home from collaborating with a friend, and was walking towards his own bedroom when he heard Dan say "Number 2, walk around naked!" Phil's eyes widened, and he ducked into his room, but curiosity got the best of him and he peeped out of his bedroom slowly. As Dan appeared from his bedroom, butt naked, Phil's eyes glistened with inappropriate delight. However, the mind being so clever, reminded Phil that he couldn't so vulnerably expose his inner feelings to anyone like that, especially to Dan. So instead of acting like he wanted to, Phil turned his expression grim, and yelled "Oh God Dan!" then yet again ran into his room, this time filled with regret. Dan blushed, but continued to film as if nothing happened, noting that once it was time to edit, he'd change the skin tone in his face to keep it the natural color.

But little did either of them know, something big just began.

Something that could change everything.

The next morning, Phil woke up, still upset that he couldn't straight up tell Dan everything that he REALLY wanted to tell him. His daydream of being able to tell Dan his feelings were interrupted by what Dan called a "cringe attack", memories of the backlash of the haunting Valentine's Day video clouded Phil's thoughts. He shook his head, remembering the hateful words burning into his brain, and how hard Dan denied the video's legitimacy. April Fools, YouTube. April fucking Fools. Phil felt like the real fool. He thought The was doing something _loving_, for his_ lover_, but apparently it was just a stupid joke.

As he stood up from his bed, he thought about whether or not it would even actually be THAT bad if he came out, not only to YouTube, but to Dan too, although, he should know by now. Perhaps the fling Phil thought they had was real, maybe Dan's loving words and long cuddles were not part of an elaborate joke on everyone. He cringed once again, and decided to clear his mind with the sugary taste of Frosted Flakes. He walked stealthily towards Dan's bedroom, where at 10am, Dan was finally asleep peacefully, hair tousled, arms hanging from the side of the queen size bed. Phil closed his eyes, absorbing in the cuteness that is Dan Howell, and decided not to bother him. As he was about to leave and get some food, Phil spotted a glimmer in the corner of the room. Dan's Mac was still on, Twitter and Facebook notifications cluttering the desktop. Once they all disappeared, the background took Phil aback. A photo from their holiday in Jamaica was the background, but it quickly changed to a galaxy photo. With that, Phil silently closed the door, and went into the kitchen. There, he grabbed the untouched box of Frosted Flakes, and ripped it open, tearing into the bag, and began eating by the handful. Bowls and milk were too mainstream. Whilst he was munching on the cereal, he thought of his plans for the day. Getting a new set of lens for his camera since the other one was shamefully dropped, grocery shopping, and maybe even squeezing a new video. He had to also talk to Dan about future plans for the radio show. Though Phil tried his best to make a ruckus, Dan still woke up, dark circles under his eyes proving that Dan got an hour of sleep, if that.

"I-I'm so sorry Dan, I didn't mean to wake you.." apologized Phil, a hint of a Northern accent coming out as he stuttered. He looked down sheepishly, knowing that this wasn't the first time he had accidentally woken Dan up from minimal sleep. He threw the sugary cereal behind him as a child would when they were caught being naughty. He knew Dan's number two pet peeve was Phil just eating cereal from the bag. Dan simply shrugged, too tired to come up with a snarky response.

"Nah, it's fine, I was gunna get up anyways." Dan said, smiling slightly, as his biceps curl as he raises them up to stretch. Phil mentally devours Dan, his bright pink lips and "flabby" arms, though they were decently muscular, and-

"Phil are you ok? asked Dan, oblivious to Phil's affection.

Meekly, Phil said "Yeah...fine..." and began to walk out of the room, feeling suffocated by awkwardness and anxiety. Dan, fully awake, turned around and grabbed Phil's arm.

"Hey, is something bothering you? I can't promise I can fix anything, but I can listen..." Dan knew he owed Phil at least that, after-all, it was Phil who supported his YouTube career, and it was Phil who held him strong throughout the worst of his existential crisis. It was Phil who did a lot of things for Dan, a lot of good, inspiring things. Realizing he was literally holding onto Phil, Dan let go, and said "Seriously. Are you ok?" Phil closed his eyes, thinking over his options. Tell Dan his feelings, or keep everything the way they are. He drew a deep breath, and said "No. Dan, I'm fine." With that, Phil grabbed his galaxy jacket, rushed down the building's stairwell and rushed to Starbucks for his daily run of Caramel Machiatto, usually with Dan, but that day he felt so indifferent. Dan shrugged nonchalantly, but in his mind, he was genuinely concerned for Phil. Although he constantly denies being gay, or even bi sexual, since he said the April Fools was a prank, he felt a stabbing pain in his heart, even though he and Phil agreed they'd still be best friends, Dan missed the romance and passion they used to hold so tightly. They were inseparable, like a magnetic force. Lately, it seemed it was the opposite. They repelled each other. Dan picks the tipped over bag of flakes, and pours them into a bowl, and began adding the milk.

He probably hates me.

I wish I could hold him.

Can I re do the past three years of my life?

Everything I do is wrong.

Everyone I love doesn't love me back.

Maybe it's better if I die.

GOD I AM SO STUPID!

The milk fell to the floor, alongside Dan, who began to cry. Dropping out of uni, breaking up with Phil, who he really did love, his fans pissed off for his lack of consistent flow of videos, and everything he's ever done, he regretted in that moment. His silent weep turned into a full blown sob, tears forming rivers in the tunnels within the tile flooring. The milk had stopped dribbling down the counter and onto the floor long before Phil finally got home, finding Dan asleep in a small puddle of salty tears, and crushed Frosted Flakes.

"Oh God, Dan! What happened?!" Phil whisper- yelled. He threw off his jacket and laid it over Dan to cushion him in case he hit the sharp edge of the counter. Then, using paper towel rolls he cleaned up the inedible cereal, milk, and tears. "Dan, oh Dan..." Phil whispers, tears coming to his own eyes. He placed plastic wrap on the bowl of cereal in case Dan wanted it later, and stuck it in a corner of the countertop. Sitting down next to Dan, he placed a hand on his back. "I'll always be here for you, and I love you." Phil whispered, seemingly inaudible.

"I love you too Phil."

Phil had fallen asleep next to Dan for about an hour when his iPhone's ringtone beeped in a sci-fi tone. Phil turned the screen over to reveal the caller, who turned out to be PJ. Phil declined the call, but being the courteous person he is, texted PJ saying 'Really busy rn. talk to you later?(:' then turned off his phone, not waiting for an answer. Dan was still asleep, curled into a ball, his hair in natural curls, head resting on Phil's thigh. Looking at the clock, Phil saw it was fifteen o clock, and his stomach reminded him that he had only had about two handfuls of cereal and a trenta sized Caramel Machiatto that morning. Feeling guilty, Phil patted Dan's head lightly and whispered "Dan, Dan it's literally fifteen o clock right now."

"And?" mumbled a half-conscious Dan, slowly opening his dark chocolate colored eyes in order to adapt to the blinding sunlight peering in through their bay window. Phil, biting his bottom lip said "Well, erm, I'm quite hungry." Dan, alert at that point, felt bad about consuming so much of Phil's time.

"SHIT. I'm sorry Phil."

"I know. Hey, so you wanna grab Nando's or something?"

Dan looked down at himself, his galaxy shirt soaked with milk, his pajama pants sagging as per usual, and bare feet.

"Sure, let me just get ready" he chuckled, and walked off into his symmetrically messy bedroom as if nothing happened. Simply tossing on his classic black T-shirt with white circle on it, and black skinny jeans, which wasn't a good choice considering the temperature was lingering at around ninety degrees, though it was a decent drop from the morning. However shorts did not please Howell, so jeans it was. Phil was in the purple Nyan cat T -shirt and denim patterned shorts he had in the morning. He was about to take his jacket back, but remembered how it was stupid to take it because the weather report did not imply any rain so he left it on the floor.

Dan walked out, wallet in hand, smiled and said "Ready?" Phil nodded and as if he were a child shouted happily "TO NANDOS! AND BEYOND!". Dan laughed in his usual contagious laugh, and out of the blue, grabbed Phil's hand and held it. For a few moments, Dan was confused on why Phil was just standing there looking at him and not moving, then Dan realized what he was doing. In the dream Dan had while asleep, Phil and himself were dating again, everything was ok, he had passed the lawyer exam in which he had only studied for the night before, and his videos were getting increasingly more popular. Too bad it was just a dream. Or was it better that his life didn't work out like that? After about a minute of pondering, Dan dropped Phil's hand. Phil sucked in his breath as his lip quivered. His voice shook as he said "So. Nandos?" Phil opened the door and walked out of the modern flat, his heart feeling torn apart for the second time that day. Didn't Dan know how sensitive he was? Didn't he know how much he loved him? Every muscle in Phil's body cramped together, his teeth gritted against each other as he fought the urge to burst into feminine tears.

On the other hand, Dan had felt his heart collapse as well, seeing the love of his life just walk out in such sorrow. Dan ran after him, but Phil was already out of the building when Dan reach the final floor.

"PHIL, PHIL, PHIL, I'M SORRY! PHIL!" he shouted into the crowded London streets. People were talking, singing summer hits, laughing, enjoying the picture perfect summer day. Dan's voice was, compared to the voices of the masses, nothing but a whisper. His articulate (most definitely not posh) southern British accent blended in easily with the others. Phil was way ahead of Dan, unaware that Dan was behind him. Events from that morning ran through his head, the awkwardness was unbearable. How could someone he had loved, who he loves, be so reckless with his actions? A tweet flashed into Phil's memory as he picked up his pace, wanting to take a seat on the underground train to get to Nando's faster than walking across London. Dan's tweet "fyi i like vagina" had so much impact on him. It was like an impromptu break up. Phil wanted to get onto the train, to rest his legs and to rest his mind as well. He clenched the Oyster card tighter in his left palm, the slick, credit-card like edges dug into his skin. He was so numb to his surroundings, yet at the same time he was squeezing his way past the groups of people, mumbling "Oh, excuse me, sorry," like a broken record.

Completely opposite, Dan was pushing through the crowd, merciless, trying to catch up to Phil to apologize for being careless about his feelings. Misunderstandings. They ruin friendships, relationships, family. One action can ruin everything. One word, can ruin everything. Pushing through the crowd, he came upon an innocent, very pregnant young woman, Up until that point, Dan was pushing through swarms of friends, ready to dropkick anyone who made it particularly hard for him to get to Phil, but as he approached the woman he slowed down, apologized, and once again set off at his top speed to get onto the same tube as Phil, because if he was a second late, he'd get his head squished in between the doors, which has happened before.

As Phil approached the booth where you slide your Oyster card in order to get onto the tubes, Dan finally caught up to him, getting a break near the stairway to the tubes, as the rush hour was now over. "Phil!" Dan wheezed, panting, his seemingly buff arms resting on his thighs, back arching in and out. Running through a third of London ( or at least, in Dan's mind, it was a third of London), was an obvious feat for him, as he didn't prefer running to simply strolling. Catching his breath, Dan stood up to reveal his full height, (a good 6ft, which was still three inches shorter than Phil, but visually you'd think Dan was taller), hissed a "Holy fucking shit, I could be a fucking marathon runner." Phil, still clearly was upset, rolled his eyes. However internally, he wanted to giggle like any other fangirl would have probably done, seeing Dan red and puffy in the face, lips bright red-pink, sweat collecting in his thick eyebrows, fringe curled slightly at the ends because there was a lack of hairspray or gel or both. Seriously, Dan said "Phil, we really need to talk.", and slid his Oyster card onto the scanner. Immediately, Phil was back to fully being upset with Dan, and grabbed a seat on the tube. Though, was he truly "totally" mad at Dan? When you love a person, you can't just get mad and stay mad at them, or at least, not for long, Phil thought, recalling the many times he told Dan that he hated him, but never really meant it. Well, at those moments he thought he did, such as when Dan scared him with the Robert Pattinson mask on, or the flour in the blow dryer, so many little pranks that livened up his life. Yet, this was was most definitely not a small childish prank. This was his heart. Phil felt so confused. They had been through so many things together, the Valentine's Day video, the existential crisis, smaller things as well (like pathetic Twitter hate), yet an arm and hand grab was going to ruin the long friendship (and more) they had? The tube ride was silent, at least, between Phil and Dan. Dan was imagining all the things he may have done to add on to the pain he felt radiating off of Phil. He wanted to hug him until all the pain simply left. Just..gone. But that couldn't happen. There was too much to risk. How could they find a way to hide it anyway? Dan loved Phil, he was envious of anyone who got to talk to Phil, touch Phil, he couldn't. How could they fix this problem? How can they just get through all the walls they had built up since that awful Valentine's Day. Although things had been fine on the surface, something was bubbling underneath and now it is all coming out, whether they liked it or not.

"Jesus Christ, we're like two catty teenage girls on their periods and fighting." Dan mumbled to himself.

Phil had to stifle a laugh, but couldn't hold it in and burst out laughing. "Why that analogy of all analogies?" They both fell into laughter, disturbing the very proper looking people, all tapping away at their iPads and laptops.

"We really need to talk." Dan said, looking into Phil's blue-green eyes, which had reddened due to tears burning, threatening to spill out.

"I know." Phil replied, and tough he knew some things will change, change majorly, it was that very moment that he knew that whatever happened, he and Dan could get through it, because as Silvers Rayleigh said "Maybe nothing in this world happens by accident. As everything happens for a reason, our destiny slowly takes form..".

The rest of the fifteen minute or so trip, Dan and Phil tried to lighten the mood, talking about pop culture events throughout the week, like Netflix getting an Emmy nomination for their original online shows. Eventually, Dan's anti-human interaction kicked in and he turned to his phone to provide entertainment. He tweeted back to loyal subscribers, checked his Youtube page, thinking of video ideas. The tube came to a stop, the boys walked out of it, hungry for the legendary chicken that was located literally just across the street. Nando's was always packed with tourists, and hungry Brits, and food critics. Finding a seat though, was a smooth process. Phil and Dan took a seat on either side of the small booth, whose dark burgundy leather seats were perfectly polished. Within minutes, a peppy blonde waitress approached their table, order pad and black ink pen in hand.

"Hi! My name is Nikki and I'm going to be your waitress today. Can I start you off with some drinks?" she asked, ponytail whipping like a horse's tail, her voice enthusiastically going up and down. Her smile plastered on her face as if she was born that way.

Dan and Phil looked at each other and held in their laughs. Phil was able to muster a "Um, I'll take a Diet Cola, and I think Dan wants a Corona Lime" Dan nodded, his smile expanding across his face, dimple on his right cheek appearing. The waitress nodded brightly as she scribbled the orders down into the pale green pad. As she finished writing, she said "I'll get your drinks and I'll be back to take your food orders." and handed them two large menus before running off into the dynamic kitchen. When she left, Phil and Dan began laughing at her unnecessary fake enthusiasm. While they laughed, Dan grabbed Phil's smooth little hands. That time, he didn't let go. Phil blushed, and said "So, should we order and then talk or should we talked, order and talk?" Dan chuckled, "Dude, let's just talk about what's going on, how about that?" Phil's face was crimson red, "Right. Whoops." Dan took a deep breath, "Ok. What's going on, Phil?"

Phil also took a deep breath as well. "Dan, do you love me?"

Dan closed his eyes, and nodded. "I do."

"So why'd you break up with me and say it was all a lie? "

"I didn't want us to get more and more hate, Phil. You SAW all the back lash we got."

"But we get hate anyways. What about our friends, what about our loyal fans? The Phan shippers?"

"Think logically. What about our careers? What would YouTube do? BBC?"

"If they discriminate against gays, it's homophobic, they'd get a ton of crap for it."

"Touché."

"Why are you afraid of our relationship?"

"Because I don't want either of us to hurt, and I don't want to break what we already have."

"You won't. We were _made _for each other. Nothing can't break that. _Nothing_."

Dan looked into Phil's eyes, which twinkled in the florescent light hanging above them.

"I do love you, Phil. Why'd we build up these fuckin' walls?"

"I don't know…" Phil admitted, laughing slightly. "So, when do we come out?"

Dan's eyes widened, "Wait, what?"

"Coming out? You know, something gays-"

"No, I know", Dan interrupted, "But I think we should-"

Before he could say much, the waitress was back with the drinks, hair once again swinging around.

"Heeereeee you go!" she cheered as she set the drinks down. "So, did you make the decisions yet? I recommend the PERi PERi Chicken and Chicken Butterfly, which are our signature dishes."

Dan cleared his throat and said "I'll have a Chicken Breast Fillet Wrap on it's own…"

As overly-enthusiastic Nikki wrote that down, Phil said "And I'll take an avocado and green bean salad with chicken please"

She smiled again, or did she even stop? Either way, she ran off once more.

Dan continued to talk. "Anyways, I think we should keep it closed away from our fans, but maybe hint at it so we ease in…know what I'm saying?"

Phil nodded. "Got it. I don't like the idea, but as long as we can tell them at some point. I love my fans and I know you do too, and I don't like hiding things. Also, I suck at it."

Dan chuckled, "Yeah, so I've seen."

After waiting for about twenty minutes of waiting for their meals, the food was looked fresh and smelled delicious. Both boys ate as fast as possible, as if they haven't eaten in months. They were in no hurry, but hungry, so that was their justification for any dirty looks they might have gotten.


End file.
